Did you know that Jesus Christ was a pimp?
He must have been. I saw it on TV.
In fact, he brokered Mary Magdelene’s hooking business with various johns who were looking for love in all the wrong places, and willing to pay a few gold ducats for the service.
That fateful day when Jesus scolded the horde with “let him who is without sin cast the first stone” was the day Jesus was in business as Sugar Messiah.
Mary Magdelene finally found her muscle.
Like I said … I saw it on TV.
But by the look of a promo spot for “The Secret Lives of Jesus,” which premiered Sunday night on the National Geographic Channel, you would think Jesus was the anti-Christ.
The spot proclaims that Jesus was a troubled child who once crippled a boy because his victim’s father had ratted him out for making clay pigeons on the Sabbath. To make the evidence disappear, Jesus brought the pigeons to life and made them fly away.
The show, according to the promo, also suggests that Jesus had a special relationship with Mary Magdelene.
All of this according to the “recently discovered” Gospel of Thomas.
Over the weekend I was in a Sears Auto Service center — where, incidentally, I waited four hours for a wheel alignment and oil change — GRRR! — and while killing the time watching ESPN’s NFL Sunday Countdown, I, along with an older couple, watched the spot.
The older gentleman scoffed in disgust.
“Amazing,” he said, shaking his head in disbelief. “How would anyone know what kind of lives he supposedly had? Documents my a–,” he said.
When I suggested that one couldn’t say anything remotely similar about Muhammad without the threat of rioting or a fatwa from Muslim extremists, the old man said he was too busy working to protest such a disgusting suggestion about Jesus Christ.
“The middle class is too busy working,” he said. “That’s why you never see many protests about this garbage.”
Why is it OK for a television network to air a special about the entirely suspect “secret lives of Jesus” based on “ancient documents recently discovered”? And just one week before Christmas?
Imagine if I pitched a similar program about Muhammad to a TV network. I’d be laughed right out of the pitch room. But this is not about religious persecution. This is about the minority ruling the majority, and quite honestly, it’s gone on long enough.
Example: Lesbian talk show host Rosie O’Donnell claimed another talk show host, Kelly Ripa, was insensitive to gays because Ripa said she didn’t know where Clay Aiken’s hand had been before he put it across her mouth — but weeks later Rosie was incredibly insensitive to Chinese people by doing a “Ching Chong” impression.
It is very clear that the “spokespeople” for special interest groups practice a slippery form of double standard that borders on racism and bigotry.
But those in the majority are also guilty of racism and bigotry.
Many Americans hoot and holler about how wrong gay marriage is without giving an inkling of thought to an individual’s right to sleep with whomever he or she wants.
As a nation, we have to come together and agree to disagree. Because, you know what? If I’m at war and my neighbor fighting by my side happens to be gay, I’m going to be counting on him or her to help protect my family and yours, just as much as he or she would rely on me to protect theirs.
And I’m going to fight for all Americans and our allies, no matter what their individual beliefs are, and I know most Americans will too.
We are all in this fight together, but we all need to compromise a lot more than we do.
And only then will the Jesus bashing and the gay bashing and the race bashing and the religion bashing and all the other bashing stop.
Merry Christmas.
Next week, the Oblivion of the Year column.
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